The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Dammit, this job is so hard!
I must ask for a raise.

I’m not sleeping, I’m thinking about the laws of retirement.

I’m also thinking.

Hold it busters! Have you found new laws for those who pay you ?!!

Spread this in large amount... WE UNDERSTAND WHY THIS JOB IS SO MUCH WANTED!! IT IS IDEAL TO CATCH UP ON MISSED SLEEP AFTER EXHAUSTING TRAVELS WHILE WAITING SERENELY FOR RETIREMENT OR FOR A REWARD IN CASE OF A LOST RE-ELECTION...

End of Joke

President Obama and Queen Elizabeth II

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious
and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

President Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Tom's scrotum:
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story, as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp, from the men in the congregation, as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed, uncomfortably, as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

ABD did you forget?
Please. put your jokes here, http://whatboyswant.com/forum_read/4861139/49/10/The_Official_WBW_Joke_Thread_Vol_4.html

yes, i honestly forgot, seem i have probs with short term memory.. it goes with the teritory

thanx for the friendly reminder

Rye Bread:

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit except me."

I've just been sacked from my new job in the Wines and Spirits section at Tesco.
A Muslim came in and asked if I could recommend a good port.
I said...
“Try Dover ”

Bra Engineer:

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a group of good 'ole boys' took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

The Agony of Dyslexia:

After Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot!

You're supposed to turn your clock back!

Tiger Woods Visits Ireland:
On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their ituation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm..'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis.. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life..'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

Siamese Twins In the United States:
Siamese twins walk into a bar in New York
One twin says to the bartender 'dont mind us we are joined at the hip. I'm John & Jim is on my right. Two Bud Lights please'.
Feeling a little awkward the bartender attempts conversation & asks 'been on holidays yet lads?.
'Off to England next month says John, we go each year, rent a car & drive for miles, don't we Jim.
The bartender replies that England is a wonderful country, especially the history, sights & culture.
The twins reply that they really cant stand England what with the expense, lousy food, warm beer etc.
So why do you keep going there asks the bartender?
John replies; its the only chance Jim gets to drive.

A Story For The Boys:
One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies,"I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a

cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement,the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything,the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

Last Post for this Thread Notech...Can I start a new one, buddy?
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heat, lungs, pulse and BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady started taking off her clothes...
The doctor stopping her: "No! No! please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue!"