The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Sometimes it's wonderful to be warped (even slightly so).
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead".
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort".
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters".
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me".



I only sent this to those with a slightly warped sense of humor.....

Little Johnny was taking part in the new sex education classes being introduced to his inner-city 2nd grade class.
The teacher announced that the class would start with an anatomy lesson and asked "Can anyone tell me what a penis is?"
Suzie raised her hand and said "You feed them to the elephants at the zoo."
"No, I'm sorry, those are peanuts" said the teacher.
After several more unsuccessful guesses, the teacher instructed the children to ask their parents, and they would continue the lesson the next day.
Upon arriving home, Little Johnny approached his mother and asked "Mom, what's a penis? It's my homework."
Mom stuttered a moment and said "go ask your father, he is in the shower".
Johnny knocked on the bathroom door and stepped in. He said "Dad!"
"What Johnny, cant' you see I"m taking a shower?"
"Dad, my teacher told us to go home and ask our parents what a penis is, and mom told me to ask you".
Suddenly the shower curtain swung open and Johnny's father stood there in all his glory. He puffed out his hips, pointed to pecker and proudly proclained "Johnny, my boy, this is a penis. And mind you, this is not just any penis. This is a PERFECT penis." then shut the shower curtain and returned to his shower.
When johnny returned to school the next morning, and the teacher asked "Who can now tell me what a penis is?"
Johnny jumped to his feet, waived his hand and yelled "OH, OH, I know!"
"Yes, Johnny, what can you tell us".
Johnny immediately dropped his drawers, puffed out his hips, pointed to his pecker and proclaimed "Teacher, this is a penis. And mind you, this is not just any penis, for if it were just 2 inches shorter it would be PERFECT."

^^^ LoL oldie but goody.
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend
She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
Comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and
give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.

Never mind......

Traffic Stop South Carolina

S.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Maam. "
Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. "
Trooper: " Look again. "
Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! "
Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. "
Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn't in there !! "
Trooper: " Ma'am....Please Check again ! "
Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! "
Trooper: Look again . . .

I busted my guts out on that one Syd And I shared it with the lady here and, well she almost peed her knickers.....

I would like to share an experience with you all. It is to do with drinking and driving, as some of us may have had, in the past, some brushes with the Authorities on the way home.
Well, I for one, have done something about it.
The other day I was out for a lunch with friends and, having had far too much wine, I did something I’ve never done before..... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I haven't ever driven a bus before......

I was out walking early last sunday and as I strolled through the graveyard i saw a man crouching by one of the gravestones, "morning" i said as i passed him, "no" he replied, "just having a shit"

Good one NeonZ. And welcome to the menagerie.

Replacing Margaret Fulton:
They say she can replace Margaret Fulton.
Can she really replace Margaret Fulton?
I said “NO!” nobody can replace Margaret Fulton, and then I thought ...
"Oh, what the fuck... let's give her a chance..."

5 Nuns in a Bar:
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw .

Beer Joint Sues Church:
TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE!
ONLY IN TEXAS ....
Texas Beer Joint Sues Church in Mt. Vernon, Texas. Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!
After the bar burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

THE GOLFING NUN ...
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

Make My Day:
The Alabama Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner Tim Coles for a weapons check because of an NRA bumper sticker. When the officer approached the vehicle, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and concealed carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Coles, I see you have a CCP.
Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, "Yes I do. I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot." The officer looked at Tim and asked, "Anything else?" "Yes. I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the trunk." The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Coles, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of.
Tim locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered....."Not a fucking thing."

Grog Party:

USA RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard:
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learnt their children's' names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali Pirates.
And,
finally....................................................................................................................
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline.
I got a call-centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

It Happens:
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leapt onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward mewith a mighty ROARRRR! I shit myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

The Creation of Pussy:

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was Mcfee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt...

Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one..
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!
But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil *******.
Don't mess with them.

'Oh, Shit..She's Awake!!!'

Repost by Request:
The Amish Elevator...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

Paddy was at a bus stop waiting for a bus....

His Irish mate mick was driving past and saw him.

"paddy, get in, I'll give yer a lift" he says.

Paddy says "sure, I'd love teh, but I'll miss me bus"