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  The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to England Rugby Club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone. |
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Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in. "Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. "Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. "But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try." "Ok, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?" The ref looked at his watch and replied: "Forty-five seconds ago." Share |
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His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow. "He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one? |
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Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing “The Haka” before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone can beat them now. The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. The Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts while they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called “Saving No8 Lyle”. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom. The Italian team will arrive in cars shaped like red dildos, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European “grass quotas”. They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park trucks across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials. The Australians will have a bar-b-que before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline. |
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" we're glad to have him back!" says King Kev Keegan |
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And it's Man United, Man United F.C. We're by far the greatest team, The world has ever seen Kings of Europe - 58 68 99 08! Glazer where ever you may be, you bought Old Trafford but you cant buy me, i signed not for sale and i meant just that, you cant buy me you greedy twat! |
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Come Taste The Music At BeatKing Dogs Deserve Better Brian May avatar by EricLindros Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. |
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Paul Gascoigne's been discovered at the Hilton Hotel in Gateshead having sex with a tellytubby. The official report is HE'S FUCKING LA-LA! |
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